The reason
by Catzipoo
Summary: Harry has a problem. Draco thinks he has the solution. All the things go wrong as they go farther in their relation.
1. Prologue

Prologue  
  
A slight breeze was blowing, and the last of fall's leaves were dancing in the air. The bright green grass on the field had been cut recently, causing the smell of the damp blades to hang heavily in the air. The scent of the coming rain was perceptible. It was so quiet... so beautifully peaceful. The sky was dark-blue, almost black. There was no moon. Stars were twinkling, illuminating the place all around. And the Quidditch Stadium... was all his.  
  
He walked to the very middle of the field, tightening his cloak closely around him. He sat down, his broomstick held tightly before him. He looked sadly around at the empty stands surrounding him. All the world was still asleep. But he was wide-awake, thinking.  
  
Since the beginning of his seventh year, Harry had been having problems falling asleep. There were no more nightmares. Not even any more of his intuitive dreams. Only thoughts that ran constantly through his head... never ceasing.  
  
He curled into a tight ball, resting his head on his knees.  
  
The day. Whenever the sun was out, everybody was very gentle with him. Everyone wanted to be his friend. Each person was there to help him, to try and understand him the best they could. Through the wind blowing in the branches of the trees, he could still hear Hermione's concerned voice.  
  
"You know, Harry...you can't always avoid us! One day, you'll need to talk to us about your problems. You just can't keep hiding your little secret from us! Aren't we your best friends?"  
  
He smiled. Yeah. She was trying to be his friend. Just like everybody else. But she didn't understand.  
  
But now it was night. And now it was dark... so dark that you couldn't even see the tip of your nose. Nobody was there. He was completely alone. Even when Sirius had been alive... he had always been alone.  
  
"It's time," he thought. Two tears fell from his emerald eyes. He was crying. He was crying out all of the emotions he had bottled inside himself all these years.  
  
His mounting anger against the world...his fear of death. Above all was the pain of being alone. He simply could no longer bear the sorrow and the grief over never having somebody who had really loved him.  
  
When the jolts stopped, he stood up, and looked around him. Nobody would be coming to rescue him this time. It was now...or never.  
  
He put his broom down and sat down on the grass. With a shaking hand, he reached into the depths of his cloak and pulled out a knife. Slowly, he pressed the blade to his wrist, tearing the delicate skin. At first, a small trickle of blood began to flow down his arm. He pressed the blade down harder. Immediately, blood started pouring out, drenching his cloak.  
  
He felt weak. White squares were dancing in front of his eyes. He felt sick. The world around him was spinning very fast. He began to crawl feebly across the grass, half-conscious.  
  
Before the darkness had totally surrounded him, Harry heard someone yelling. But it was too late.  
  
"Damn, Potter...what have you done to yourself this time? Always wanting the spotlight on you, uh? Wake up now, the game's finish."  
  
Draco Malfoy was standing next to the lifeless body of Harry Potter. He flinched when he saw the blood all over Harry's robe and the knife still in his hand. His normally tanned skin was pale and sallow. He wasn't breathing.  
  
"Fuck, Potter... it's okay. Everything will be fine... don't worry, I'll take care of you," Draco whispered in Harry's ear, denial filling every part of Draco's heart and mind.  
  
He took his wand out and performed a lightness charm on Harry before grasping his body tightly in his arms.  
  
He began to run as fast as he possibly could towards the hospital wing. 


	2. The guardian

  
"Is he okay?" he heard a feminine voice whispering. The voice seemed to come from far away.  
  
"Does he look fine?" a harsh voice answered, seemingly much closer.  
  
"No, but..."  
  
"So, he's not! Look, he's been through a lot... we'll let him rest a bit."  
  
_I must be in hell_, thought Harry. _That's what I deserve anyway. The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers1, said a little voice in his head. And that IS what I am. I'm a betrayer. I left them with all the problems and I took the easier solution... the easy way out. I'm in hell. That's what I deserve. They will call me The-Boy-Who-Killed- Himself_.  
  
Far away, the voices were still talking. They were disturbing his thoughts. He tried to open his eyes to see what was hell like. But it was so hard that he barely saw passed his eyelashes. Everything was fuzzy and white.  
  
_This is not like I imagined. It looks too peaceful to be hell. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm in heaven. Somebody finally understands me and sees that there were no other choices left. The white must be the clouds. Yeah, I'm resting on a soft cloud and I have wings in my back. I will fly away to protect people. No! I don't want to help people. I did that all my life, and all I got in return is death. I want to stay on my cloud and sleep.  
_  
He tried harder to open his eyes, to get a better view of heaven. He saw someone. An angel, he thought. It was a man. Tall and slim, with a perfect fair skin. _He is my rescuer. Nothing will happen to me with him_.  
  
The man came closer, a worried expression on his face. His blond hair was falling down and untidily dancing around his eyes. His hair coloring was odd..._not a normal blond._ It was a perfect pale blond that went with his grey eyes, now filled with pain.  
  
Harry wanted to talk to the man. He wanted to ask him why he was so sad. His lips were moving with difficulty, but no word came out. His throat was dry and he felt weak. All his body was hurting with a pain that was so intense, he wished he could just die. _But I already am dead. Why am I feeling so bad?  
_  
Suddenly, the world around him appeared like it really was: the hospital wing. On one side of his bed, Hermione, Ron and Dumbledore stood. In front of him, his Gryffindor friends and the members of the Quidditch team. And finally, on the other side of his bed was the man. The angel. Harry glances over him and found that it was Draco Malfoy...his nemesis.  
  
"I'm glad you're back with us, Mr. Potter." The gentle voice of the Headmaster reached his ears.  
  
_No! Not me,_ he wanted to yell. _Why did you save me? You really don't understand. I wanted to die. I did it on purpose! He closed his eyes, not wanting to meet anyone's gaze.  
_  
An awkward silence filled the room. Everybody was thinking, "**Why did he do this?**" or "**I should have seen this coming**."  
  
"Now, now...I would like to have a chat with Mr. Potter. Alone, please. "  
  
Ginny Weasley was the first one to leave. She was immediately followed by the others. They were all giving anxious glances toward Harry. Ron was dragging Hermione out of the room in tears. The last one to turn his back on Harry's bed was Draco Malfoy.  
  
"No, not you, Draco. I want you to stay for a moment."  
  
Harry opened his eyes wide in surprise. Malfoy was standing on the threshold of the room, as much in surprise as Harry. He closed the door behind him and walked awkwardly towards Harry's bed. He sat down in an armchair, avoiding the other boy's emerald eyes.  
  
"I don't know why you did this, Mr. Potter...AND I don't want to hear it right now. You can explain yourself later. I want to inform both of you what the council of the school decided about this situation. Since Draco is the one who saved you, he'll be your guardian, Mr. Potter. That implies that you, Draco, are to follow this young man, here, everywhere. You'll make sure Mr. Potter is fine and that he'll not make rash actions. You have permission to enter the Gryffindor common room; I'll give you the password later. And you can bring Mr. Potter into your own common room. If you have any questions, I'll be in my office this afternoon. Now, if you'll please wait outside, I need to talk with Mr. Potter. Oh, and thank you, Draco."  
  
During all this time, Harry hadn't said a word. He hadn't moved. Hadn't even breathed. He was concentrate on keeping himself calm. He couldn't believe what Dumbledore had just told him. Malfoy was his guardian? There was no way this was possible. What else could Dumbledore have left to explain to him now?  
  
"Mr. Potter, do you want to know why you're still alive? "  
  
"No, "Harry muttered, his eyes staring at the ceiling.  
  
"Do you want to ask me something, then?" The tone of the Headmaster was still soft, even though anger was visible in his eyes. The little stars that were always twinkling in his grey eyes, and the hope that was always kept on shining in his heart... all of that was gone.  
  
"Yes, I want to ask you something." His voice was calm, as if he was chatting lightly with a friend. "WHY THE HELL YOU DIDN'T LET ME DIE? For once, I did something I wanted to do, not something someone told me to do. I hate you so much, you can't know how much! I HATE YOU AND REGRET EVERYTHING I EVER DID FOR YOU! I'm tired, I don't want to be a hero. Let me rest in peace!"  
  
Harry was standing next to his bed, holding a chair to prevent him from falling. And he was yelling everything in Dumbledore's face. The anger made his body all shaky, and his head was aching. But he needed to say these things... all these things he had been thinking in the very depths of his heart for years.  
  
"Mr. Potter, I need to ask you to return to your bed. You're still weak and we all want you to recover as fast as possible." His face was blank of emotion, and Harry was wondering if the Headmaster had even heard him.  
  
Indeed, he was very weak. He sat on his bed and closed his eyes to stop the world from spinning around him. When he finally opened his eyes, Dumbledore was looking at him in a very superior way.  
  
"Ha! I almost forgot your question. There's something I haven't told you. I thought it was very unimportant... until tonight. Surely, you remember the prophecy and all that it says? Because of it, you can't kill yourself... no matter what you do. You can shoot yourself in the head, and your body will still find a way to stay alive. Tonight, it was by chance that Draco found you. You're bound to your fate, Mr. Potter: kill or be killed by Voldemort. I'm sorry."  
  
Dumbledore didn't wait for an answer as he stood up. He looked at Harry as if there were something else he desperately wanted to say, but then he just turned and walked toward the door. He opened it and mumbled something. Malfoy entered and sat on a chair not far away from Harry's bed.  
  
"I'm going to leave with Draco now, Mr. Potter. As soon you feel better, come back to class. "  
  
And he left the hospital wing with a very mad and upset Harry, and a rather clumsy Draco.  
  
1.Pirate of the Caribbean, the curse of the black pearl. 


	3. Where the stars shine

__

A cold wind was blowing, making him shiver. From his place at the highest point of the castle, the sight was beautiful. The sky was blue, strewn with little twinkling stars. And he was, for once, all alone.

He sat down on the edge of the Astronomy Tower, thinking about the events of the past week. He had been in the infirmary all weekend, and Malfoy had sat next to his bed the entire time, looking over him as if he was a baby.

"**Do you want me to help you eat, Harry?**" or "**You better watch out with that spoon, you could hurt yourself!** "

Monday had come like salvation for him. It was morning yet, and classes hadn't yet begun, so he thought he would have a chance to be alone for a short time. Earlier he had received an owl with a schedule for his new classes. At the back of the parchment was a note:

"**Your new schedule, so we can be together. I'm sure you'll enjoy being with the Slytherins.**"

When he had looked up, Malfoy had been standing in the doorway, smirking. He had thought that his life was chaos already, but now it was worse. It was hell!

Furthermore, there was Dumbledore. Harry had been very surprised by his reaction. It had just been so...aloof! He had expected the Headmaster to be more comprehensive. He was the only one who knew what Harry was really going through. But he had been wrong in thinking that, because Dumbledore was certainly disappointed with him.

All the week he had tried to arrange a talk with the Headmaster to explain everything, but each time he had failed. Finally, he went to see Professor McGonagall to set the things right. But all she had for him was the same excuse he had been given all the week:

"**Professor Dumbledore is very busy at the moment. He'll see you later, Potter.**"

It hadn't been any better with his friends. They were acting as if he had done nothing, as if that night had never existed. For him, it was the worst this way because it seemed that all the pain he was living with was worthless. Nobody had wanted to know why the Golden Boy tried to kill himself.

Standing in the highest place in the castle, Harry was wondering where Malfoy was at the moment. _Certainly asking himself why it's taking me so long in the bathroom_. Malfoy! Why had Dumbledore chosen him to be his guardian? And anyway, Harry really didn't think that he doesn't need one. He couldn't kill himself even if he wanted to try again, so why would people worry at all?

But maybe Dumbledore wanted to be sure he wouldn't go after Voldemort and get himself killed for real. What a foolish thing to do! But Harry had thought about this option. It would be so easy, and the death instantaneous. He knew Voldemort would kill him short and sweet.

Despite everything, Harry was still at Hogwarts, watching the stars shining over him, like sparkles of lost hope. All of this had begun when Sirius died, and it was then that Harry had lost all of his hope and faith in life. There was nothing left for him on this earth. And the idea of suicide had surfaced all on it's own, amid Harry's confused thoughts.

_If only there was someone here to help me, support me. Not like Hermione or Ron. But a shoulder to cry on, a person to listen to me complain about life. Like a big brother, or...a lover._

"There you are, Potter! Want to throw yourself down the tower? Go ahead, I wont save you this time, there's no need. Kill yourself, I don't mind."

Harry turned around to face the boy standing right behind him. Draco Malfoy was holding his wand tightly in his hand, and as always, he had a relaxed expression on his face, as if he had complete control over the situation.

"But you're suppose to be my guardian, Malfoy! Aren't you supposed to convince me not to jump? You were doing a great job this week. You know, when you spilled my potion everywhere on the floor because you said it was about to explode... or when you woke me up at four in the morning because you dreamed that I was dead..."

For once, Malfoy was speechless. He was looking at the raven-haired boy with a blank expression.

"Why did you save me, Malfoy? Tell me, why didn't you just let me die? What ever will your father will say when he learns that you saved the great enemy of his master? Or maybe that was part of some plan to rule over the Wizarding world? No, wait! Maybe you're getting soft? Does the great Draco Malfoy finally have feelings? "

"In your dreams, Potter. The day I become sweet, please kill me! I only saved you because I wanted to kill you myself. "

At these words, Harry took a step closer to Malfoy, determination shining in his green eyes. He took the other boy's wand and pressed it against his chest. Their faces were separated by mere inches, their bodies were tensed and the moment was filled with tense emotions.

Harry brought his mouth close to Malfoy's ear and murmured, "Kill me, Draco."

"No," he answered flatly. "Because that implies doing you a favour. And even if it's the glory of killing you, I would never do you a favour, Potter."

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME DIE?" Harry yelled, his voice echoing on the wall of the castle.

All week, he had wanted to ask this question of his _guardian_, but Malfoy never gave him the chance to discuss what happened. He was sure Malfoy hadn't done this just to torture him. He was hiding something.

"You want the truth, Potter? You'll have it! But afterwards, you will explain exactly what this is all about!"

Malfoy lowered his wand, twirling it between his fingers. He finally put it in his pocket. He took a step back and leaned on the wall behind him.

"I was in this same place that we are now, but in _very _pleasant company... if you know what I mean?"Malfoy winked at him with that confidential glance that only he could do.

"No, I don't know what you mean. Now if you can explain, please, because we don't have all day!"

"Oh, please, Potter... everyone know you have nothing to do. And besides, you'll be with me all day anyway! So as I was saying, I was here when I saw a little light glowing on the pitch. And I had this feeling I needed to go down and see what it was. It surprised me, because it was really dark outside... but I saw you, as brightly as if it were daytime out! And I saved you. I - I don't know why. It was as if I were under the Imperius Curse or something. When I first saw you, I thought you were acting just to get attention, and then the next moment, I really wanted to help you. All I have to say is that the whole thing was weird."

Harry had a feeling that Malfoy was still hiding something, but on the other hand, why Malfoy would lie about that? The blond boy raised one of his delicate eyebrows, as if he were waiting for a sign. Harry nodded to confirm that he believed him.

"Your turn, Potter. I answered your stupid question, which wasn't asked politely at all, by the way. Now you'll answer MY question. Why did try to kill yourself?"

"It's none of your business!" Harry exploded. "This is my shit. And you wouldn't understand, anyway... you're Draco Malfoy, for Merlin's sake! The fucking rich ferret-faced brat! I hate you, and you hate me. Why would I tell you about my problems, when my so-called friends don't even know about them? I don't think there's anyone in this world who would understand me."

Harry turned his back on the blond. His beautiful emerald eyes were filled with tears. Why he was so weak? God, so many emotions were running though his head all the time. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to meet two grey pools of compassion.

"Potter, you could at least try to tell me... maybe I'll understand you more than you think."

"Oh, really? Did your parents also die when you were just a baby? And maybe your childhood was pure hell, too, because your uncle and your aunt were ashamed of you and they kept you in a cupboard? "

Malfoy took a deep breath and slapped Harry right on the cheek. Harry gasped and slapped the other boy back.

"Hey! You slapped me, bitch, and you're going to pay for it. There's no way you can treat a Malfoy like that."

"You did it first! Filthy little ferret..."

Malfoy crossed his arms and looked down at Harry.

"It was for your own good, Potter. You were being much too melodramatic for me. And you have it all wrong about me... I may have my parents, but it's hell this way, too... believe me. All that my father is interested in is power. I'm nothing to him. The money and extravagance might be a way to please me, but not at the cost of my freedom. I can't even choose my friends! When you refused to be my friend, he said that you were my enemy. Even if I thought you were smart and that you were a great Quidditch player... and damn, I hate to admit it, but you're almost as sexy as I am. You seem to be a good friend. But I think I did a pretty good job hating you."

Malfoy tried to smirk, but it faded into a grimace of pain. Harry was avoiding his eyes, looking blankly into the space. The anger that had been filling his heart a moment ago was now replaced by great sorrow.

"You think I'm sexy?"

Malfoy frown lifted. "Is that the only thing you can think of to say after what I just said?"

Harry burst out laughing. His laugher was so open and refreshing that Draco started giggling like a little girl. After a long moment of intense laughter, leaving behind wet eyes and obscure sobs, the two boys stared at each other, feeling suddenly awkward.

Draco took a few steps to eliminate the distance between him and Harry. They were glancing at each other with a deep sadness, but a little bit of hope in each of their eyes. The moment seemed to last for hours, each one trying to see what scars the other was hiding within. At the end, Draco offered his hand to Harry, like it was the first day of school again on the Hogwarts Express. Harry stared at him for a moment, feeling dubious, and then he smiled. He took the hand and shook it. They were friends!

"Consider yourself special, Harry Potter, because a Malfoy never makes an offer twice."

And a new friendship began under the twinkling stars. It was weak, and neither had a lot of faith or trust in each other. But it would soon become a true friendship between two broken men, who would one day completely understand each other.


End file.
